I started a blog because I wanted an outlet for my thoughts. However, sharing my thoughts with the world can be difficult for me. Growing up, I was taught that the effect I had on other people was more important than personal self expression. Thoughts that could possibly offend others were to be suppressed. As a child, I felt that neither my family nor my friends provided a safe place to express these feeling (though I did receive much love from my family in other forms). I do think about how others will view my thoughts, now that I have begun to share the fact that I am writing this blog with friends and family. I am aware of the possibility that people I personally know may be bothered by what I write and I know I still need to write.
Perhaps the most liberating books I have read on this subject were the works of Sinclair Lewis. I found ‘Babbitt’ & ‘Main Street” to be an amazing depiction of the societal forces that suppress thinking outside of the box (I have yet to read his prophetic ‘It Can’t Happen Here’). The fact that these books were written in the 1920s allowed me to see that my thoughts were not crazy, but were more part of a natural reaction to a society that is out of balance. In my opinion, his books are more relevant now than ever.
The recently overheard candid comment of Jesse Jackson shows the power of political systems to reign in self expression. While his comments were crude, they clearly expressed the frustrations with the direction of the Obama campaign. It was very sad to see the way he had to humbly admonish himself likely realizing that he had just ruined any relevance he will have in Obama’s campaign. Much like Reverend Wright, he will be discarded for daring to express the pent up feelings of being black in the US. There is no place for such expression in a two party political system.
I was also struck by the reaction to the recent death of Jesse Helms. In an NPR interview right after his death, John Edwards (also a former Senator from North Carolina) was asked about Jesse Helms. I thought he did a pretty good job of acknowledging that he was diametrically opposed to Helms and he also knew that he had to acknowledge that he apparently could be nice at a personal level. Of course there is humanity in everyone, but what he couldn’t say was that Helms built a career on prejudice and hatred. He could not openly condemn the man for the damage he had done to the nation and his home state of North Carolina. We did see such a condemnation from L.F. Eason III, who gave up his job as Secretary of Agriculture in North Carolina, rather than lower a flag to honor former U.S. Sen. Jesse Helms. While he obviously overstepped his authority and was probably ready to leave his job anyway after 29 years, I found it to be an amazingly inspiring act of self expression. I feel I can relate to his frustration, though 3 years ago, I chose to quietly leave a 10-year job working for a dysfunctional state regulatory agency (more on that later).
Luckily, as I have aged, I have had the opportunity to learn that self expression is a necessary part of good mental health. That it is important to maintain balance by encouraging self expression. Sure, I can still consider the effect that expression has on others. I can also know that people who truly care about me will see the positive effects healthy self expression has on my personal well being. I still struggle very much with concerns for how my words and actions affect others and hope that this blog will be therapeutic for me! If anyone is reading this blog, please feel free to call me out when you notice that I am not saying what I think. Also, feel free to respond with your own forms of self expression.
